~Post your CLEAN-JOKES here!~

[Smar969905]

This may be on the edge of what is actually allowed here, but it is fitting for a fishing group.



Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit and drink all day.

[jens]

I got this in an E mail today and thought it was pretty funny!


WHAT IT REALLY MEANS!!!I'M GOING FISHIN."

Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by

a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete

safety." (THIS IS YOU) haha


"IT'S A GUY THING."

Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,

and you have no chance at all of making it logical."


"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"


"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR."

Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.


IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."

Really means..."I have no idea how it works.


"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Really means...."Are you still talking?"


"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop, the address of
f
the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of

every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."


" WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."

Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."


"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death

before I admit I'm hurt."


"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm

completely clueless."


"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"


"I HEARD YOU."

Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am

hoping desperately that I can fake it well the next 3 days yelling at me."


"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it

could be worse."


"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

> Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm

> starving."


"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."


"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

too funny tommy-

[fishaholictaz]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

Darn women - they think of everything!!!!


My wife sent me this today (she thinks it is pretty darn funny)

[tommytitan08]

The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies:
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .


2. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.


3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.



4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management


5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).


8. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.


9. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.


10. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.


11. I've run away to join a different circus.


AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:


12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.

When I return, please refer to me as ' Loretta' instead of 'Steve

[tommytitan08]

Top 17 Fatal Things to Say if Your Wife is Pregnant



17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

[tommytitan08]

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't...
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive..

6.You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

[Jennifer]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest Bar and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life

[tommytitan08]

Very funny Jennnnay!!! Wait i said that like Forrest Gump for some reason!!!

[BassinBomber]

TT,..very funny,..and Jenaaaaayyyy also very good,..nice!

BB

[Jennifer]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign r eads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth f loor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[tommytitan08]

nice jennnay nice......that's the god awful truth about women

[fishcreekspinners]

Life explained.

*On the first day, God created the dog and said:*

*
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'**

**So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Jennifer]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
> with four young mothers and their small children. 'You
> all have obsessions,' he observed.
>
> To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are
> obsessed with eating. You've even
> named your daughter Candy.'
>
> He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is
> with money. Again,
> it manifests itself in your child's name,
> Penny.'
>
> He turned to the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is
> alcohol.. This
> to shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
>
> At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
> took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
> 'Come on, Dick Let's go pick
> up Peter
> and Willy
> from school and go get dinner, this Pr**k has no idea what
> he's talking about.

[tommytitan08]

I don't know if that joke qualifies as a clean joke but i like it. Nice Jennnnay

[racfish]

This is a hoot .... sad, because it is TRUE ..... but a hoot!!!!
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees....morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you!

[BassinBomber]

Ralphy that was halarious,.."Only-In-America",..lol,..good 1! "Jew got it mang"!

BB

[racfish]

A FATWA ON ALL WHO SEND/READ THIS. gak


Subject: A Muslim in Heaven...
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly gates. He is very
excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.-
Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up' And he points to a

ladder that rises into the clouds

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the
ladder
in great strides. He meets another bearded man.
Full of hope, he asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Moses.. Mohammed is higher up sti ll'

Mohammed higher than Moses! The poor man can hardly contain his delight
and
climbs and climbs, ever higher.Once again, he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: 'Are
You Mohammed?'
'No, I=2 0am Jesus. Mohammed is higher still'

Exhausted but with heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder
and,
yet again, he meets a man with a beard.
'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath
from all his climbing.

'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'

'Yes please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out,: 'Mohammed, two
coffees, please'.

[racfish]

Had to p0ost this one. Its a cutie.
Something to lighten your load:

The I.R.S. decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the local I.R.S. office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The Auditor said "Well sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying you win money gambling. I'm not sure Revenue Canada finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler and I can prove it." Says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The Auditor thinks a moment and says "Okay, go ahead."

Grandpa says "I'll bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks another moment and says "You're on."

Grandpa takes his glass eye out and bites it, and the auditor's jaw drops. Then grandpa said "Now I'll bet you two thousand dollars I can bite my other eye."

The auditor sees that grandpa is not blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor realizes he has just wagered and lost three grand, with grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing? I'll bet you six thousand dollars I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into the wastebasket on the other side, and not get a drop in between." Said Grandpa. The auditor, twice burned, is cautious, but he decides there is no way this old guy could pull off a stunt like that, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing he has just turned a major loss into a huge win, but Grandpa's lawyer puts his head in his hands and moans.

"Are you all right?" said the auditor?

"Not really" said the lawyer. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned here for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

[BassinBomber]

"Are-You-Mohammed",..that was 2 funny Ralph!

BB

[racfish]

my last one of the week.I get these from businessmen who have nothing better to do in life.
Subject: Fwd: Geography




GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe .. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.



GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts.